per my last emails
mutual aid, the addiction and consumption of capitalism, and last pleas
I am going to let this work communicate for itself, since I have done so much communicating without being heard already.
The reflection below discusses the possibilities for creation within a culture of addiction - of consumption beyond measure.
[Content notice: mentions of abuse, dv, addictive behaviors, & overdose death.]
to: my committee, nov. 6, 2024
Courtney Wade <email>
Hi all,
I hope you are taking care of yourselves as best as possible in this current time. I am trying to do the same as well.
First, I am going by Woods now. Secondly, I wanted to thank you all for your time, input, and patience throughout this dissertation process. I appreciate each of you and what you have contributed to where and who I am today. I am choosing not to defend my dissertation. These past 5 years of fending for myself (with Benson, my dog) and, more recently, with a found family member or two, during this ongoing pandemic have taught me that the answers to sociality and community will not be found in a textbook. I am proud of the work I have done while trying to fit myself into disciplinary limits, but ultimately, in this current climate, I cannot afford to sand any part of myself down if I want myself and my communities to survive. I look forward to sharing what I have learned in the near future via extra-disciplinary platforms and would be happy to share that with y'all.
Please let me know if there is any followup I need to do to make this official.
Here's a (44 word!!!) poem:
Doctoral Dropout
maybe about 1,000 pages
if not more
thousands of articles
100 books
if not more
I was never fit for entry
so I closed the door
doodles
scribbles
rhymes
& art
are not
traces to
be left
behind
they're
part of
who
we
are
Thank you - truly,
Woods Wade (they/them)
to: my landlord, dec, 16, 2024
Courtney Wade <email>
Mon, Dec 16, 8:29 AM (2 days ago)
to Landlord
Hi Landlord,
I hope you had a restful weekend. I am going to level with you because you've been so nice with having my back with the neighbors before. I am just trying to figure out how to exist as a chronically ill disabled nonbinary trans lesbian in the world right now. I have been limited in my ability to go to the dump because it is not safe for me due to prior DV. I have not had an in-state support network because of the pandemic. I am reaching out to my broader networks for help with cleaning to get that all set for y'all and will be looking for alternate housing moving forward.
This house has been a godsend and Benson and I have loved the backyard and living next to such a wonderful park. It has been such a great space to have our little world in as we haven't been able to really leave because no one is masking. Everyone in the neighborhood has been so helpful with the yard and has dropped food off on holidays but has never worn a mask. I understand NIMBY as I completed everything for a PhD in community psychology before refusing to defend my dissertation because they did not see nonbinary, queer, trans, chronically ill, and disabled people as human.
I have put everything in the backyard together for pickup so we will not ruin anyone's holiday magic. Everything but the paintings and blue and pink crates can go.
Also, I am going by Woods now. I will keep you updated as I know more.
Thank you!
Woods Wade
to: the society for community research and action, division 27 of the american psychological association, still waiting to be approved by the moderator
why I left academia to run off to the circus - right before my defense
Courtney Wade <email>
Dec 17, 2024, 4:32 PM (20 hours ago)
to SCRA-L
Hi!
I'm woods.
Note
[If you read anything, read this, but I'd love it if you'd read what's below as well.]
This email is broken up into an intro, an exposition, one section on my work, one section on my immediate needs, and a closing. Thank you for your time and attention.
Intro
I'm a sick, crip, nonbinary, trans, autistic lesbian with all of the learning disabilities and at least five concussions - not really someone you'd read about in community psychology journals. I know this because I spent the past five years delving into the disciplinary literature and finding its philosophical and material foundations and limits - knowing all the while what laid beyond them. I spent five years cultivating a critical genealogy or, as I like to call it, a hauntelégy, of eugenics in community. But all I had to do was look around at the four walls I have existed within for those same five years.
I chose not to defend because of what I experienced and because I didn't want to defend my status as a human - you can read about it in Sunflower Moon.
Exposition
As I wrapped up my hauntelégy in Durham, the North Carolina rains came through before the flooding. I was cleaning everything in my house, trying to make it fun - in true ADHD fashion - thinking about doom piles as altars (those who get it, get it). My clothes, paintings, five years of critical genealogy notes, all of my poems and songs from the past decade, my childhood and family photos were ruined. I have been working with the idea of playing in the ruins ever since.
Content notice: mention of domestic violence and abuse.
I already could not go to the dump because it is life-threatening for me to do so - beyond people not masking because of covid. (Pro-tip: my mask protects you, not necessarily me; it needs to be a two-way street.) I cannot be outside or take out the trash safely because my neighbor is a huge fan of the guy who will be the next president (I will not engage on this matter and, frankly, right now, we need to get "community" in order). The environment that I exist in is untenable. But I have no way out because of how community is currently structured. Those philosophies that are "so esoteric" structure my reality - the one y'all have been so content to walk away from and leave all of us behind in Omelas.
Now, I want to be clear that I am not interested in debating the reality of this and I am also done playing mental gymnastics trying to figure out the best way to say this so that people will listen to me. I will say that I am ready to welcome in people who are willing to commit to masking because they understand that pre-existing conditions are structural and are willing to learn how to move through generative discomfort and play in the ruins. Play is a large part of my work and I believe it is how we will change the world.
My Work
If you would like to engage in worldbuilding that actually centers sick, disabled, trans*, nonbinary lesbian wisdom (not at the expense of any other perspectives, but along with all other principled, anti-eugenic work), check out my work at chthonic circus, on YouTube, and Instagram. I want to direct you to what is most important, but honestly, y'all need to dive into the videos, the blog, and the website's pages on play. I've been alternating between having to open my mouth manually on Fridays because I have been at home alone for five years waiting for people to mask and shouting into the void - you can spare a little time. I'm not going to debate my status as a human who deserves care that doesn't hurt or haunt. I'm not going to try to fit this into a five paragraph essay or 140 characters or say it in a way that makes me cutesy, demure, and mindful (though the original creator of that phrase is trans and wonderful).
What I do not want is y'all to see all of the work I have done and say, oh, look, they were able to play! They were able to have fun and they "overcame" and it was okay! No. This has been in so many ways a repeated violation of my humanity - being forced inside because I don't consent to breathing air that could kill me. Being told that "I should just stay home" - the home is an institution and community is a mode of governance. Y'all are just saying that I do not deserve to exist in your world and I have been living in asocial death for five years. What y'all are so afraid of experiencing during a "lockdown" (what carceral language) is what I have been stuck in with no way out for 5 years. The only way I was able to survive was to turn my anger into something creative and this is what I created. I am over two years sober now and I have not had human contact that is not abusive for at least 3 years. I did this to survive.
Immediate Needs
I am also trying to leave a DV situation and North Carolina where it is unsafe for me to go outside for a multitude of reasons. I need immediate housing, which, due to the pandemic and my dog needs to be a house, ideally with a fence. I do not have funds because of the disparate economic precarity that entraps grad students, especially disabled ones. I am ultimately hoping to relocate to California.
I have a reactive dog who definitely needs a vet visit because he has lumps, and it is always a Herculean effort where he needs to be sedated the whole time which is worth it because he is my rock. Because of this, I can't really come into contact with others while this is happening? Logistics will certainly be a dance. I need help with cleaning out all of the trash that I could not clean out for the past year and have been forced to live among. Not only do I not have the luxury of shame at this point, I am not ashamed because I am not disposable, despite what community psychology and society at large have told me.
It has also been terrible to see my body of work decay, especially because the work of sick, crip, trans nonbinary lesbians in this day and age is super important and valuable. I would love to be able to restore my paintings and have my work pieced back together. You can see some of this on my YouTube but there have been more rains since then.
Closing
I think if you understand me as a person, which I hope maybe y'all will come to at some point, you'll understand that this email might not be nice but it is kind, and it is caring. Because putting on an N-95 is the only thing that has ever made me want to live in this world and I want y'all to live too.
in solidarity,
woods wade
Go on a treasure hunt through the chthonic circus to learn more - @chthonic_circus on Tiktok & instagram; youtube & Soundcloud links can be found in the site header.
BRAT FOR THE UNIVERSE
Video Description
Woods is a White transmasc person with a buzzcut and a gray beanie sitting crosslegged on a light mahogany-ish hardwood floor. Their back rests on white wainscot paneling and they are holding a lilac lined journal. There is a black Jansport backpack to the left of them. It is open with a shoebox-sized plastic bin filled with tarot decks - like the Citadel tarot deck - and mason jars filled with sea glass and pebbles peaking out. Lying face up on the floor in front of the backpack is the Seeds of Wisdom from the Divine Feminine Tarot Deck, underneath which Lecoq’s The Moving Body is sandwiched between a yellow journal and a white journal. To their right is an unopened black journal. They are wearing loose, black linen overalls and a black tank top with white stitching outlining the straps. Draped halfway down their arms is a black and white plaid button-up shirt. They are wearing Cruel Ruby colored lipstick.
Lyrics
what if I told you
i’m ready I know
what I want
what if I said
you’re a treasure
X marks the spot
all the pieces
you think are broke
are just stained glass
you’re a cathedral
I’ll kneel at your altar
make sure you know
you’re wanted by me
never ghosted,
just haunted
by your beauty
and we’ll dance
in the flames
of the binaries
they wanted us
framed in
yeah we’ll wave
to the devil
cause hell
is just heaven
when i’m with you
all those sins they say
should be inscribed
on our souls
are just about as
relevant as those
damn missing bones
thrown into the graves
we refuse to climb into
and we’ll wave to the
garden of eden
cause we’ve got our own
fertile soil we’re seeding
there’s no worlds
only new suns
I feel like i’m
under one
under you
and I know people
will be clutching
their pearls
but they’re the same
ones that said girls
just wanna have fun
well i’m sorry ma’am
I just don’t wanna
be one
don’t wanna be one,
I wanna be two
maybe three,
but right now
i’m just lookin at you
just lookin at you
won’t ask for permission
nor forgiveness
cause I lost religion
a long time ago
but I never lost faith
in a love
that dreams of
creating together, not
dividing and leaving
traces behind
yeah it’s a quantum
it’s a fractal
it’s a primordial
kind of love
i’ve got on my mind
and we’ll dance
in the flames
they wanted to
cave us in
yeah you were my tower
I guess now you’re
my religion
you’re the one
thing on my
to-do list
to-love list
to-want list
I never forgot
i’m ready
I know what
I want
(Vocally imitates falling off a cliff, follows the fall with their eyes and indicates surprise when whatever fell hits the bottom.)
(Giggles.)
you’re a treasure
and x marks the spot
(Chuckles.)
I didn’t know we’d be going all the way down there - I guess that’s hell!
(Pats the floor once.)
It’s just a floor.
(Winks, gets up to turn the camera off.)
In this video, you can see that Woods has black Adidas with white soles on. Their button-up lies behind them and, on the left, their linen overall strap is draped off of their shoulder.