fuckboy & brat healing 201: Apologies

As we consider how BDSM might function as a stepping stone to or lily pad from which we can jump into transformative justice, I want to highlight a specific moment common in BDSM scenes - the apology.

Many times, this moment is made erotic - check out Sweets’ Get in the Car on Quinn for a good example, and feel free to comment below with your favorite apology audios! (Once I figure out how to get comments on here…or a discord? Stay tuned…)

I love this trope; BDSM often forces us (with consent) to confront what we desire - as erotica, rooted in Eros, is about desire. What we consider here are what the implications of that desire may be.

In many situations, it is not what we desire that causes harm - connection, intimacy, attention, feeling ‘seen.’

Oftentimes, the ways we try to satisfy our desire, to meet our needs - the means to the ends - are what actually cause the harm.

That doesn’t make the desired outcome ‘bad’ - it just means that we need to (a) be accountable to the harm caused in the process of trying to meet that need and (b) find other ways to meet that need. This is something we will talk about in the future.

I want to highlight what an apology might look like after a moment such as Sweets’ Tease Master (I’m nonbinary, what can I say - what are similar audios you listen to?? I’m curious!!).

Here is Brat & Fuckboy Healing 201:

To learn more about crafting your own apologies, see Mia Mingus’ Leaving Evidence blog post, “The Four Parts of Accountability & How to Give a Genuine Apology.”